Feminine-presenting
Femmes often prefer womanly clothing styles, wear makeup, have long hair, carry themselves in a feminine way.
However, some feminine-presenting women show femininity in a uniquely lesbian way. They don’t necessarily meet societal standards of femininity.
Sometimes, the word "femme" is also used by some people as a term for a separate non-binary gender identity. According to this group of individuals, being a feminine-presenting woman has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Femmes may be lesbian, bisexual, or even heterosexual.
The essentials and some history
The word "femme" means "woman" in the French language. However, femme as an identity and a cultural phenomenon was formed in the American reality.
At the end of World War II, women in the USA joined the workforce. That’s when femme (along with a masculine-presenting woman, butch) became a characteristical identity in the American working class lesbian community.
Femmes were expected to be attracted to butches. However, femmes can have relationships with other femmes. In the 1970s-1980s, lesbian feminism became a powerful social force; it led to the rejection of the femme-butch dynamic. During this decade, femme lesbians were often criticized and even shamed for their looks.
But in the 1990s, the so-called "lipstick lesbian" identity emerged into the mainstream. It made femininity great (and trendy) again, and femme became a widely used term to describe a feminine-presenting lesbian.
Being femme is not only about the presentation - it’s about lifestyle, too. Femmes often have more "feminine" jobs (preschool teachers, secretaries, etc.) and hobbies (dancing, scrapbooking, painting).
Flag and symbols
There are many versions of the femme flag. The most popular design of this flag was made by Tumblr user noodle in 2018. It consists of seven horizontal stripes - different shades of purple on top and bottom and a white stripe in the center.
The femme symbol was created in 2014 by a group of non-binary individuals from Brazil. It’s based on the classical female symbol; the femme symbol has longer prongs though.
What pronouns should I use when talking to a femme?
Feminine-presenting women may prefer “feminine” pronouns - she/her/hers, or gender-neutral pronouns - they/them/theirs. Neopronouns are widely used by non-binary individuals and people of different sexual orientations. So femmes may use such pronouns as xem/xir/xirs, em/eir/eirs, etc. You cannot be sure what their preferred pronouns are unless you ask your femme friend or coworker that question. Be courteous and you will get rid of your doubts.
Coming out as a femme
To come out as a femme can be challenging and puzzling. It could take you a while to figure out that you’re femme. Then, eventually, you might come to a decision to tell other people. And it is perfectly fine - they say coming out is a journey, not a destination.
Here are some useful tips on how to make sure this journey is safe and without regrets:
- Remember that you and only you decide if, when, how to come out;
- When you feel like you are ready to tell everybody, try and be calm, confident in yourself, think positive;
- Make sure the first person you come out to is someone you trust blindly, then proceed to tell others;
- If you are feeling doubtful, unsafe, and/or experiencing some kind of crisis, call an LGBT helpline - on the other end of the line, you will find someone friendly and ready to support you.
How can I support my feminine-presenting acquaintances, friends, or family?
In today’s world, LGBTQIA+ issues are being discussed more than ever before. And the fight for femme’s rights has come a long way. But there is still a lot of work to do. Feminine-presenting lesbians still face discrimination, bullying, violence. And it is extremely unfair - nobody should be denied their human rights because of their gender identity or sexual orientation.
We can and must do better at being femme’s advocates. More powerful voices are needed to stand up for femme’s rights, and you can be one of them! Here’s what each and every one of us can do today to support our feminine-presenting friends, coworkers, or family:
- When people make offensive jokes about femmes, speak up and let them know their words are unacceptable - it may encourage others to speak up as well;
- Be a proud supporter of LGBTQIA+ equality at school, work, or other places, show your support online, or join an LGBTQIA+ group;
- Educate yourself on feminine-presenting women’s lives and challenges they face so that you can educate other people too;
- You can make a donation to some great LGBTQIA+ organizations - they need your help to be able to keep helping others. Small donations are worth more than you think!