Demisexual

What is demisexuality?

Demisexuality is a term used to describe sexuality in which an individual can only be sexually attracted to people they have an emotional bond with. Demisexuality exists on the asexual spectrum which is a continuum of sexual identities ranging from asexual to non-asexual.

If a person chooses to abstain from sexual activity until they get married for personal or religious reasons, it is not the same thing as demisexuality. Demisexual people are really not capable of experiencing sexual attraction until they have a close connection with someone. In some cases though, demisexual individuals may still engage in sexual activity assuming that the connection and thus the attraction will develop later on.

Here are some related sexual identities:

• Demisexualspike (otherwise referred to as exceptional-demisexual) - sexuality in which an individual is usually demisexual, but they rarely feel sexual attraction without an emotional bond with someone;
• Dellosexual - an identity where a person feels sexual attraction towards multiple genders, and this attraction is of allosexual type when it comes to some genders but is of demisexual type with other genders;
• Encephalosexual (otherwise referred to as enciesexual or encephalsexual) - an identity in which an individual does not feel sexual attraction until they have a powerful intellectual bond with someone;
• Communicosexual - a sexual identity where a person is only sexually attracted to people they can have enjoyable conversations and effective communication with.

Demisexual pride flag

It is unknown who created the first and the most popular demisexual pride flag and when. It was supposedly designed after the creation of the asexual flag in 2010 since the same colors were used in it. The demisexual flag consists of a black triangle on the left side, a thick white horizontal stripe on the top, a thin purple line in the middle, and a thick gray stripe on the bottom. The black color symbolizes a lack of sexual attraction, the purple color stands for the ace-spectrum community, and the gray color represents graysexuality.

History

The term demisexual was coined by the AVEN (the Asexual Visibility and Education Network) user sonofzeal in 2006. This user felt that a term describing their personal experience was necessary since they could not identify as completely asexual or allosexual. They needed a word that would reflect the incapability to feel a sexual attraction without first building a deep emotional connection. That is how they came up with demisexual (from Latin demi- ("half" or "partially") + sexual). This term started gaining popularity on the internet in 2008.

Myths about demisexuality debunked

Myth #1: Demisexual individuals just do not like sex.

Demisexual people are capable of pretty passionate sexual dynamics. What they do not like is sex with "no strings attached".

Myth #2: Demisexuals are sexually attracted to everybody they emotionally invest in.

Undoubtedly, sexual attraction can grow out of an emotional bond, but not necessarily. Just like gays are not attracted to all men in the world, lesbians, not to all women in the world, etc., demisexual people are not attracted to everyone they are close with.

Myth #3: All people who dislike casual sex are demisexuals.

There are many people out there who choose to not rush into having sex and prefer to get to know the person they date first. But it does not mean all of them are demisexuals. Being demisexual is not a choice; people of this sexual identity cannot even be sexually attracted to an individual without developing a strong bond with them.

Importance of coming out

Coming out is a process of realizing one’s sexual orientation or gender identity and eventually sharing that information with family, coworkers, friends. Often, this process unfolds over several months or even years. And it is still challenging for many LGBTQIA+ people to make the decision to disclose their true identity because they know they might face hostility, bias, even bullying, and violence. However, numerous studies show that choosing to be open about their sexual identity helps people build self-confidence, improves their employment satisfaction, increases their well-being and psychological health when in welcoming environments.

If you think it is safe enough for you to tell important people in your life that you are a demisexual, here are some tips for you:

• Remember that preparation is key - take your time to get ready, write out how you imagine/plan your coming out;
• Start with telling just one trusted person; once you know you have support from this person, proceed to tell other people;
• If you want to come out to someone in a public place, choose a quiet cafe or restaurant;
• Think positive but be ready for something negative - not everyone may react the way you expect them to; most likely, some people just need time to digest the news, and after a while, they will understand and accept you as you are.

Helping your loved ones and friends understand demisexuality

When you come out to your family members, friends, or coworkers as demisexual, be prepared for different reactions, including the one when people have no idea what demisexuality means. Of course, you should suggest they do their own research on it too, but you should definitely explain the meaning of this term to them and recommend different resources that can help them educate themselves on the terminology, history, and so much more. These resources include websites, blogs, YouTube channels, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter accounts where people can learn more about demisexuality and the challenges demisexuals have to face.

Spreading awareness about this sexual identity will help build a strong demisexual community, fight for demisexual rights, and make the world a safer place for all LGBTQIA+ individuals including people who belong to this sexual identity. Because it does not matter how we experience attraction or how we identify; what is crucial for each and every one of us is to feel appreciated, validated, and supported.