Aromantic

What is aromanticism?

Aromanticism is a romantic orientation where an individual is not capable of experiencing romantic attraction to other people.

The term used to describe an individual who has this orientation is aromantic and is often shortened to aro.

Many people are familiar with the term asexual and may confuse it with aromantic. However, aromantic is not the same. Some aromantic people do not feel sexually attracted to anyone, but others do.

To put it another way, not all asexuals are aromantic, and not all aromantics are asexual.

Essentially, aromantic individuals can be divided into two categories:

• aromantic sexual people (individuals who are not interested in having romantic relationships but interested in having sexual ones);
• aromantic asexual people (those who are neither interested in having romantic relationships nor in having sexual ones).

Aromantic asexual individuals (often referred to as aro-aces) can have any sexual orientation. Some aromantic people may also experience tertiary attractions (those that lie outside the sexual and romantic spectrum), such as sensual, aesthetic, platonic. Some aromantic people think that love is not necessary for happiness.

Aromantic pride flag

There are several aromantic pride flag designs. The most popular version of the aromantic flag was created in 2014 by the Tumblr user cameronwhimsy. The flag has five horizontal stripes of equal width. From top to bottom, the colors are green, light green, white, gray, black.

According to different aro activists and enthusiasts, these colors have different meanings. The most popular explanation of what these colors mean is the following: the green color represents aromanticism as a whole. The light green symbolizes the aromantic spectrum. The white color stands for platonic attraction. The gray stripe represents grey-aromanticism and demiromanticism, and the black color, the whole sexuality spectrum.

History of aromanticism

According to sexuality and gender studies experts, aromantics have existed for as long as humans have. During the last dynasty of China - the Qing dynasty, there was a social movement called the Golden Orchid. The purpose of this movement was the opposition to societal expectations of the time. The Golden Orchid welcomed all women who did not want to get married. Very likely, most of them were aromantic since they were completely uninterested in marriage or partnership.

There was a similar phenomenon in 12th century Flanders, where beguinages - small cities with communities of single women living there emerged. These women were religious but wanted to be independent of the church laws. Within the beguinages, there were bakeries, hospitals, areas equipped for farming. This is another example of how aromantic people refused to live their lives following society’s traditions because they were simply not interested in romantic heterosexual relationships.

The terms aromantic and aromanticism were coined only in 2005, on the AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) website forum. There was little mention of the term aromanticism until 2008-2009 though. In the 2010s, aromantics finally began to build their community on this website.

Now that the terms aromanticism and aromantic have gone mainstream, we can talk about these experiences and identities.

And thanks to Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week celebrated in February, the week following the St. Valentine’s Day week every year since 2014, aromantic people are raising their visibility even more.

Myths about aromanticism dispelled

Myth #1: Aromantic people are cold, heartless, and insensitive.

In reality, most aromantics are not emotionless at all. They are capable of feeling the love. It is not a romantic love though, but a platonic one, such as love between close friends, siblings, or a mother and child.

Myth #2: Aromantic people never get into any relationships.

Some aromantics get platonic crushes, or, as aros themselves call them, "squishes"; a minor part of aromantic people have long-term queerplatonic or other non-romantic relationships and even get married to their partners. With such things as companionship, affection, and sex (for aromantic sexual people) being a good motivation for relationships or marriages today, it is not that unbelievable.

Why coming out is important

Unfortunately, our society still sees heterosexuality as the default. That is why people whose sexual or romantic orientations are different, need to come out if they want to disclose their orientation to others.

Coming out is not a one-time thing but a process. And it is only up to you to decide when to start this process. There is no "right" or "wrong" time to come out, just like there is no "right" or "wrong" way to tell people in your life that you are aromantic.

Actually, you do not have to come out at all. But you should know that coming out as an aromantic is integrative and serves to affirm an individual’s sense of worth. Multiple studies have shown that many more aromantics who chose to stay in the closet experience mental health disorders like anxiety and depression than those who came out and stopped living a double life.

If you decide to tell others that you are aromantic keep things simple. Here are some useful tips for a safe and zero-stress coming out:

• It may be a good idea to build a support network around you or tell a person you trust blindly first;
• If you feel more comfortable with written communication, consider coming out as aro by writing to your family and friends a letter or sending them a text/an-email;
• Be positive but at the same time, prepared for bad reactions; also, remember that if a friend or a family member reacts to your news negatively, they won’t necessarily feel that way forever;
• If you are in doubt or crisis, call an anonymous LGBTQIA+ helpline or speak to a counselor.

Helping your friends and loved ones understand aromanticism

The concept of aromanticism may seem confusing to your family, friends, or coworkers at first. You could start by saying you have realized that you are the kind of person who does not have romantic feelings towards others.

As the LGBTQIA+ terms and language evolve, so does visibility and understanding of specific sexual and romantic orientations; and speaking of the latter, we have not reached enough understanding yet. Even within the LGBTQIA+ community, aromantic people are still being met with some resistance. But we can change this situation together by spreading awareness about aromanticism.

The more people you tell who aromantics are, the more understanding of this identity there will be. You can also share posts about aromanticism on your social media and recommend to your friends and family some useful aro resources, such as websites, books, YouTube channels.